Dealing with your past

Does one ever really learn how to do such a thing? Your past can haunt you, break you. You can become so consumed with it that you forget to live in the present. The past is just that....the past. You can not alter or change it.  Everyone has something in their past that they are not proud of. But if there is anything I have learned it is that my past has made me who I am today. I am stronger because I was weak,  I found my spirit that was once shattered into a million pieces. I have slowly been putting all the pieces back together. I am making better decisions because of the poor choices I made in the past. I love deeper and stronger now than before. My life has been far from perfect. But it has made me who I am......Human, I have flaws but don't we all?  Saying I am sorry to those I love and were suppose to protect is a mute point. Whats done is done. There is no fixing it or changing it. No one has walked in my shoes, they haven't lived my life, they don't and wont understand the things I have gone thru, the mistakes I have made.  There are things that will haunt me forever. And when they rear their heads and try to flood my brain with all the memories of the things I have done, the things I cannot change, another piece of my soul cracks. And the darkness that follows consumes me. I find myself lost and alone in my own darkness struggling to find my light again. 

Sometimes I feel like I will never see the light again. And no one around me understands what it is like to be so completely consumed by darkness. Sometime its so deep and dark that I swear I could reach out and touch it. The most exhausting part is trying to keep smiling and pretending like you are ok. When all I really want to do is find a dark corner and curl up and try to disappear. My brain becomes so consumed with all the mistakes I have made in my life, the people I have hurt, the people I have failed. Reliving my past. It taunts me, reminding me of my errors, the things that have been done to me, the things I have done to others. Sometimes I cant seem to get my head out of the past. But on the upside of things I have learned to be more in tune with my spirit. And in the process I have learned that I have a gift ......well 2 actually. And they could be part of the reason I go thru these bouts of darkness. I am an Empath and I am a Clairsentience. 

Being an empath is when you are effected by other people's energies and emotions. To have the innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others emotions. Your life is unconsciously influence by others thoughts and moods. Empaths can perceive physical  sensitivities . You are either and empath or you are not. It is not something you can learn. You are always open, so to speak to have to process other emotions and feelings. Which means  that you really feel and in many cases take on the emotion of others. Essentially you are walking around in this world as a sponge, you feel the  emotions and energy from others.  But not only am I an empath I am also what is called a Clairsentient which loosely translated, means "clear-feeling. It is perhaps the most basic of all intuitive skills. Clairsentient is an extremely heightened form of empathy. It is the ability to feel and experience the energy  in an intuitive way. This energy stream includes other peoples feelings, inanimate objects, spiritual insights. Basically, you are aware of all types of energetic vibrations through your own body and emotions.  But also those of  others.

These things could be why I feel the way I do, Or why I find myself in complete emotional darkness at time and not knowing how or why it came about. I am still learning about my gifts and how to recognize that what I am feeling is not my own emotions but someone else's. Sometimes I will see something in my peripheral vision turn and look and there is nothing or no one there. Or the feeling of someone standing next to me when I am all alone.  But at this moment I am just trying to focus on pulling myself out of the darkness I am in. It feels like I am trying to swim against a strong tide. And every now and then I get sucked under and have to struggle thru this abyss and break the surface so I can breathe before my lungs explode. 

But if there is one thing I have learned about myself  it is that I am a fighter, I am a warrior. I have made it thru things that would have broken others. I will keep fighting until I find my light again. The one thing I have in my life that is constant and true, is the love of my husband, He is my rock, my everything. The one person who has loved me all this time, despite my faults, He loves me for me. And I would be so lost without him.

Learning to understand and deal with my gifts has been a stuggle but I am taking it one day at a time. I am on a spiritual journey so to speak, Learning and understanding my gifts. And continuing on this journey we call life.