Domestic Violence

I recently had a dream that brought a flashback of something from my past. I thought I had dealt with the pain and trauma. I thought I was no longer in that place of fear, of not knowing whether anything I did or said would bring on an attack.  I was in a relationship that was full of abuse. Both physical and emotional. It started small. Being told he didn't like what I was wearing. If I wasn't home within 15 minutes of leaving work, I was cheating. And in my young mind I thought it was because he loved me. He was just being protective. But it slowly got to the point where he controlled every aspect of my life.

Being told what I was supposed to do. How I was supposed to dress and talk. To whom I could be friends with. And then the physical abuse. He didn't like what I cooked for dinner? The meal would be thrown at me and being slapped and then I was told I had to make something else. The grabbing me by my hair and being thrown to the ground and punched in the face because he didn't like the answer I gave him to a question he asked. It was always followed up with “ I love you, I ‘m sorry, I would never hurt you. You just made me mad.  “I am sorry I just lost my temper” I promise “  it will never happen again”.

Before I knew it I was living a life of complete fear, total control and complete isolation. I had no friends, I was cut off from my family. And here is the crazy part! I thought all of this meant he loved me! If you have never been in the shoes of someone who is dealing with domestic violence it all seems so crazy to you. How can you let someone have that kind of control over you? Well, I can tell you this. It happens slowly.  Little by little and it seems normal to you. They draw you in, You trust them, you think that all of their actions prove how much they love you.

I was lucky enough to get out. But not before the damage had been done. This relationship was followed by 2 more  each just as abusive.. Each in their own way. But still abuse. I was broken. I felt unworthy of love. I was damaged. goods. I was used and broken. Who would want me? I was useless, I was ugly,  I was stupid. The mental abuse was the most damning. The physical abuse is obvious. You can physically see the signs of it. But the emotional abuse is probably the most painful.

Because there is no outward sign of it. It doesn't show up like the bruises. The wounds heal, the scars will fade. But the abuse that attacks your mind, your sense of self, those scars run deep. And they take the longest to heal. It took a long time before I felt comfortable in my own skin. That I felt I was worthy.  But with the love of my husband I finally started to heal those scars. Knowing that I had a man who loved me for me, Who protected me and would never let anything or anyone hurt me. That was huge. I finally began to let go of those fears. I could go to the store and not be afraid of what would happen when I got home. To be able to have a friend. I hadn't had a friend for a very long time. I missed that connection. I missed having someone I could talk to. Someone I could confide in.

And now, almost 30 years later, I have a man who loves me and trusts me. I have a best friend that is always there for me. These things to any other person seems trivial. But to me, to someone who had never felt the love, trust and respect  of a man, it was huge! Even now, after 20 yrs of marriage, I still struggle to let go of my fear. It still creeps in. I still have those moments of “Oh god he is going to be so angry, he is going to hurt me”. To then remembering how much he loves and supports me in everything I do. That he would never raise a hand to me. He barely raises his voice at me. That he would never hurt me, that he has loved me since he was 8 and I was  9 years old. 

Learning that a relationship is a two way street. You can not be the one who always takes and never gives. That we grow and need to love ourselves before any other person can love us. I will say this, we need to educate our children. Inform them of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Because they learn from what they see, I want our children to be prepared. To learn how a man should treat the woman he loves. We have to be better role models. We need to break these cycles. But we also need to raise men that know that it is ok to express their feelings. This whole “Man up, and Men don’t cry” thing has to stop. We are only hurting them by continuing to raise men with these archaic way of thinking. If we want them to be better lovers, and husbands then they have to start by loving themselves.

I am She

May You Know

 

May tonight's dreams be tomorrows reality.

May you know enough pain to keep you humble.

May your days be filled with joy and laughter.

May you know a love so strong 

it marks your very soul.

May you know the value of a true friend. 

And never feel the sting of betrayal.

May you meet each day with a smile on your face,

and just enough mischief in your eye to 

eye to keep em guessing!

My Raven Queen

Morrigan, my Goddess hear my plea, 

 My Soul is in great need of thee.

Morrigan, Morrigan please watch over me,

 All my trust I place in thee.

Morrigan, My Raven Queen cast out these shadows that are plaguing me. 

May your warriors wrath turn away all disquieted 

spirits seeking to disrupt my way. 

Fell all entities that seek to attach to me.

My Raven Queen I  beg of thee, Protect me under your cloak of feathers

 and aid me to strengthen my own shield. 

Walk beside me always, 

lending me strength along the way.

I place my trust in the My Raven Queen, 

May you always watch over me.

Morrigan, Morrigan light my way. 

With undying love and faith

 I follow thee.

Enough

As women we walk through life struggling with our identity,  who we are we? who do we want to be? Are we pretty enough? Skinny enough? smart enough?  Are we good enough? Do we live up to the image we think others see? We beat ourselves up and continue to underestimate our self worth.  As women we have 3 distinct stages in our lives. The Maid, where we are young and struggling to find our place in the world. Much like a newborn fawn struggling to stand. Looking at the world through fresh eyes in awe of all its wonder. Just trying to find our way. Then there is the Mother, when we bring life into the world. When we become the nurturer, the healer. And our final stage, Crone. The teacher, the wise one. This is when we have the wisdom of a life fully lived. There are lessons we have learned..Some of them the hard way. It is our responsibility to bestow our knowledge on our future generations the wisdom we have learned.  Through all of stages we have struggled and stumbled. We have fallen time and time again each time standing back up, dusting ourselves off and trying again. It is at this stage in our life that we finally realize that we are enough. We always have been. That the love we have always yearned for was the love of self.  That we are enough. We always have been. We...are….enough!

Written 2020

Darkness

The darkness comes thick and heavy as it covers me like a shroud. Blocking out even the smallest ray of light. I hear the demons as they taunt, beckoning me to stay. I struggle, struggle to keep this painful painted on smile. To not let others see how lost I am. If they looked in my eyes would they see my pain? Would they see how hard I am fighting to keep it all together. How hard I am fighting to keep the demons at bay? My pain is real. My struggle is real. My darkness…..it is deep and it is real.

Written : 2020

Never Left

I have been watching you struggle since I left this physical world.. I have come to remind you that I have

never truly left you.. The Bond we have is far too close for me to ever truly leave you!. I am always

with you. I know when you close your eyes you see my face smiling back at you.. please let that be the memory

you hold on too. Remember the years of laughter and love. for they far outweigh the rest.

And when you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, know that is my embrace.

And when the cool breeze brushes upon your cheek , know that is a kiss from me to you.

I know that some days the pain and emptiness seem to be more than your 

heart can take. But rest assured my loves I am still here with you.. My physical body has left,

but my spirit is always with you. I sit with you while cry for me. I hear you when you talk to me.

I know you hear me when I answer you., And you see the signs I leave for you.. I will see you soon.

But know there is still work for you to do here. There are things I left unfinished..

On those nights when the ache just seems too much walk out and look up to the night

sky, the brightest star in the night sky is me looking back at you..

 For you see..........I am here, I never left you.

I loving Memory of my niece Sabrina Dawn Mitchell June 8th 1989 - Feb 26th, 2022

A Friend to some, Loved by many, missed by all, 💜

Twin Flames

         (This was written in 2009 for my Anam Cara -soul friend in gaelic- Dawn Mitchell)

     As I walk along a lonely path, enjoying the feel of the sun on my skin and the cool ocean breeze as it caresses my skin, leaving the slightest scent of salt water. I weave my way down the path as it leads me to the ocean shore. I stop and gaze upon the waves as they gently wash upon the shore. There is a sense fo calm that comes over me. There are things in this world that can not be seen, but felt with the your heart...felt in your very soul.  Standing here taking in Mother Natures beauty I smile because I know you see the same waters I see. Oh, they may be called by another name, but it is still the same. You stand on one shore and I stand here on the other. Thousands of miles of blue water separate us, and many lifetimes as well. And yet we have always managed to find our way back to each other.

I feel as if I have wandered most of my life lost in search of something, yet not knowing what it was. Feeling as if a very part of my soul was missing. Always searching a strangers eyes......for what? I did not know. Would I recognize it when I saw it? Some spark of recognition? That sense of "I know you". The feeling that someone actually understood me......really understood me, who I was at my very core. I have the love of my life in my husband. But that is what I felt I was missing. It was a family bond, a sister? a brother? The only thing I could use to try and explain it was what I thought a twin would feel if the other were gone. They spent most of their life separated not knowing of the other. And then to find each other and have that emptiness filled. To finally feel complete.

We are sisters you and I. And we have been for longer that either of us can comprehend. We have had many lifetimes together, we always manage to find our way back to one another. We are twin flames, two souls who always find their way back to each other. Our fate is forever intertwined.

The Call

 

As I stroll down the path feeling the snap of twigs and give of the moss and leaves under my feet. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, The smell of the pines, the damp earth, the tiniest hint of jasmine in the air. I open my eyes and look to the sky and I see a Raven circling above me. I hear her voice. My child, why have you ignored my call? I have sent it to you in the breeze as it danced through the trees. And you have not listened. I have sent it on the wings of my Ravens. And yet you have not listened. I have sent it through the water as it swirls over the stones in the river as it flows. And yet you have not listened. I have sent it in the waves as they have crashed upon the shore, and yet you have not listen. So, now here I stand. Walk with me my child, tell me what lays so heavy on your heart that you can not hear when your Raven Queen calls to you? Do you think I do not see your pain? Have you forgotten who you are? You have seen war, fought many battles. This is not new to you, You are the daughter of the Raven Queen! Stand tall and remind them who they are dealing with! And with that she was gone. There I stood, alone in the woods reminded of the power I hold within. I raised my face to the sky, filled my lungs and release my battle cry. I know who I am. I am the daughter of the Raven Queen, a daughter of Morrigain, And I am a Warrior!!