I am the storm

 

A warrior does not give up. 

Her shoulders may bend under the weight of  her struggles.

But she will dig her heels in, take a deep breath, square her shoulders

hold her head high as she growls

"Give me your best! for you WILL.........NOT............Break me!

I will bow to NO man! I may bend but i will never break!

For I am the wind, the fire, I AM the storm!!!

And I will tear your world apart before I 

EVER bend a knee to you! 

I will fight until my dying breath.

I will never let another man put his hands on me 

or try and control me again!

Council of Elders

                                                                  

As slumber begins and the dreamworld beckons, I see her in the shadows that dance in my room. I hear her whisper “come to me my child”. I reach out to her and feel her take hold of my hand.

Now here I stand in the great hall before the council of my ancestors. Battle scarred and weary from fighting my demons. She stands and makes her way to me. I kneel and say “Blessing my Raven Queen”. She put her hand upon my shoulder and said to me  “Rise my child”. 

As I raise my gaze to meet hers, she says, “I can see you have all but given up, lost faith in what you fight for.” I lower my eyes in shame “Yes, my Queen I have.” But I can still feel her eyes on me. Is my Queen ashamed of me? I ask myself. She is a great warrior and has fought many battles. She is fearless and would never cease a battle until she stood victorious over her enemies. 

I whisper “I have lost so many of my companions, my brothers in arm. I now stand alone on the battlefield.” She lifts my head to meet her gaze, and says “you are never alone my child.” She looks back and sweeps her hand across the room. “For we are always with you. You may not see us, but we are there.” One by one they stand and begin to slowly hit their swords upon their shields, with an “Ah woo”  the room soon echoes their battle call.

Softly she says “The night holds the medicine to calm your soul and ease your mind. Rest easy my child for we are here.”  As the early morning light begins to seep through the curtains. I open my eyes and see her there in the shadow. As she begins to fade she smiles at me one last time.  

From this night forward I will rest easy knowing that while I sleep they stand guard over me. Giving me the time I need to rest my weary soul and prepare for battle again in the morning.

Musical Memories

 

As the sound of music swirls in the air, images begin to form in my mind. Those of lives once lived. All but forgotten now. As I am cradled in the arms of sleep, I begin to hear the murmurs and chants of my ancestors. As the music engulfs me, and the memories begin to stir. I hear their call, begging not be forgotten. As they swirl around me, each whispering in my ear. Telling me their stories. Of the battles they have fought, and the loves they have lost.  They remind me of who I am, and the strength I possess. To remember in times of strife, I can call upon them. They walk beside me everyday. I live the life I do because of the battles they have fought. 

Until Tomorrow

 

    Its twilight, near the end of a beautiful spring day. As i walk through these ancient redwood pines, I let my hand brush across the ferns as i pass by. The soft sound of my bare feet as I walk the same path my ancestors did before me. I can hear the sound of the stream as it makes its way twisting and turning continuing to carve its path. The sound of the birds as they begin to settle in for the night.

    I stop and watch the fireflies as they dance through the ferns and ivy. Looking up through the tall redwood trees I see the day fade to night and the stars as they begin to shine.. I follow the sound of the stream, walking out of the woods I see a large flat rock still warm from sun. It sits just above a small waterfall. I stretch out enjoying the warmth of the stone, I close my eye enjoying the beauty of this place. Far off in the distance I can hear the faint rhythmic beating of drums, the sound hypnotic voices of my Ancestors as they chant.

    This is where I come to reconnect with nature and my Ancestors. To sooth my soul and to recharge. To get away from the concrete jungle, the crowded highways and the constant buzz of technology. As the soft beams of the full moon begins to make its way through the trees. I stand up, stretch and begin to make my way home. After a few steps I turn around and say "Thank you, to the fireflies for their beautiful dance, the birds for their songs and the stream for its conversation. 

Until tomorrow............  

Domestic Violence

I recently had a dream that brought a flashback of something from my past. I thought I had dealt with the pain and trauma. I thought I was no longer in that place of fear, of not knowing whether anything I did or said would bring on an attack.  I was in a relationship that was full of abuse. Both physical and emotional. It started small. Being told he didn't like what I was wearing. If I wasn't home within 15 minutes of leaving work, I was cheating. And in my young mind I thought it was because he loved me. He was just being protective. But it slowly got to the point where he controlled every aspect of my life.

Being told what I was supposed to do. How I was supposed to dress and talk. To whom I could be friends with. And then the physical abuse. He didn't like what I cooked for dinner? The meal would be thrown at me and being slapped and then I was told I had to make something else. The grabbing me by my hair and being thrown to the ground and punched in the face because he didn't like the answer I gave him to a question he asked. It was always followed up with “ I love you, I ‘m sorry, I would never hurt you. You just made me mad.  “I am sorry I just lost my temper” I promise “  it will never happen again”.

Before I knew it I was living a life of complete fear, total control and complete isolation. I had no friends, I was cut off from my family. And here is the crazy part! I thought all of this meant he loved me! If you have never been in the shoes of someone who is dealing with domestic violence it all seems so crazy to you. How can you let someone have that kind of control over you? Well, I can tell you this. It happens slowly.  Little by little and it seems normal to you. They draw you in, You trust them, you think that all of their actions prove how much they love you.

I was lucky enough to get out. But not before the damage had been done. This relationship was followed by 2 more  each just as abusive.. Each in their own way. But still abuse. I was broken. I felt unworthy of love. I was damaged. goods. I was used and broken. Who would want me? I was useless, I was ugly,  I was stupid. The mental abuse was the most damning. The physical abuse is obvious. You can physically see the signs of it. But the emotional abuse is probably the most painful.

Because there is no outward sign of it. It doesn't show up like the bruises. The wounds heal, the scars will fade. But the abuse that attacks your mind, your sense of self, those scars run deep. And they take the longest to heal. It took a long time before I felt comfortable in my own skin. That I felt I was worthy.  But with the love of my husband I finally started to heal those scars. Knowing that I had a man who loved me for me, Who protected me and would never let anything or anyone hurt me. That was huge. I finally began to let go of those fears. I could go to the store and not be afraid of what would happen when I got home. To be able to have a friend. I hadn't had a friend for a very long time. I missed that connection. I missed having someone I could talk to. Someone I could confide in.

And now, almost 30 years later, I have a man who loves me and trusts me. I have a best friend that is always there for me. These things to any other person seems trivial. But to me, to someone who had never felt the love, trust and respect  of a man, it was huge! Even now, after 20 yrs of marriage, I still struggle to let go of my fear. It still creeps in. I still have those moments of “Oh god he is going to be so angry, he is going to hurt me”. To then remembering how much he loves and supports me in everything I do. That he would never raise a hand to me. He barely raises his voice at me. That he would never hurt me, that he has loved me since he was 8 and I was  9 years old. 

Learning that a relationship is a two way street. You can not be the one who always takes and never gives. That we grow and need to love ourselves before any other person can love us. I will say this, we need to educate our children. Inform them of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Because they learn from what they see, I want our children to be prepared. To learn how a man should treat the woman he loves. We have to be better role models. We need to break these cycles. But we also need to raise men that know that it is ok to express their feelings. This whole “Man up, and Men don’t cry” thing has to stop. We are only hurting them by continuing to raise men with these archaic way of thinking. If we want them to be better lovers, and husbands then they have to start by loving themselves.

I am She

May You Know

 

May tonight's dreams be tomorrows reality.

May you know enough pain to keep you humble.

May your days be filled with joy and laughter.

May you know a love so strong 

it marks your very soul.

May you know the value of a true friend. 

And never feel the sting of betrayal.

May you meet each day with a smile on your face,

and just enough mischief in your eye to 

eye to keep em guessing!

My Raven Queen

Morrigan, my Goddess hear my plea, 

 My Soul is in great need of thee.

Morrigan, Morrigan please watch over me,

 All my trust I place in thee.

Morrigan, My Raven Queen cast out these shadows that are plaguing me. 

May your warriors wrath turn away all disquieted 

spirits seeking to disrupt my way. 

Fell all entities that seek to attach to me.

My Raven Queen I  beg of thee, Protect me under your cloak of feathers

 and aid me to strengthen my own shield. 

Walk beside me always, 

lending me strength along the way.

I place my trust in the My Raven Queen, 

May you always watch over me.

Morrigan, Morrigan light my way. 

With undying love and faith

 I follow thee.

Enough

As women we walk through life struggling with our identity,  who we are we? who do we want to be? Are we pretty enough? Skinny enough? smart enough?  Are we good enough? Do we live up to the image we think others see? We beat ourselves up and continue to underestimate our self worth.  As women we have 3 distinct stages in our lives. The Maid, where we are young and struggling to find our place in the world. Much like a newborn fawn struggling to stand. Looking at the world through fresh eyes in awe of all its wonder. Just trying to find our way. Then there is the Mother, when we bring life into the world. When we become the nurturer, the healer. And our final stage, Crone. The teacher, the wise one. This is when we have the wisdom of a life fully lived. There are lessons we have learned..Some of them the hard way. It is our responsibility to bestow our knowledge on our future generations the wisdom we have learned.  Through all of stages we have struggled and stumbled. We have fallen time and time again each time standing back up, dusting ourselves off and trying again. It is at this stage in our life that we finally realize that we are enough. We always have been. That the love we have always yearned for was the love of self.  That we are enough. We always have been. We...are….enough!

Written 2020

Darkness

The darkness comes thick and heavy as it covers me like a shroud. Blocking out even the smallest ray of light. I hear the demons as they taunt, beckoning me to stay. I struggle, struggle to keep this painful painted on smile. To not let others see how lost I am. If they looked in my eyes would they see my pain? Would they see how hard I am fighting to keep it all together. How hard I am fighting to keep the demons at bay? My pain is real. My struggle is real. My darkness…..it is deep and it is real.

Written : 2020

Never Left

I have been watching you struggle since I left this physical world.. I have come to remind you that I have

never truly left you.. The Bond we have is far too close for me to ever truly leave you!. I am always

with you. I know when you close your eyes you see my face smiling back at you.. please let that be the memory

you hold on too. Remember the years of laughter and love. for they far outweigh the rest.

And when you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, know that is my embrace.

And when the cool breeze brushes upon your cheek , know that is a kiss from me to you.

I know that some days the pain and emptiness seem to be more than your 

heart can take. But rest assured my loves I am still here with you.. My physical body has left,

but my spirit is always with you. I sit with you while cry for me. I hear you when you talk to me.

I know you hear me when I answer you., And you see the signs I leave for you.. I will see you soon.

But know there is still work for you to do here. There are things I left unfinished..

On those nights when the ache just seems too much walk out and look up to the night

sky, the brightest star in the night sky is me looking back at you..

 For you see..........I am here, I never left you.

I loving Memory of my niece Sabrina Dawn Mitchell June 8th 1989 - Feb 26th, 2022

A Friend to some, Loved by many, missed by all, 💜