I recently had a dream that brought a flashback of something from my past. I thought I had dealt with the pain and trauma. I thought I was no longer in that place of fear, of not knowing whether anything I did or said would bring on an attack. I was in a relationship that was full of abuse. Both physical and emotional. It started small. Being told he didn't like what I was wearing. If I wasn't home within 15 minutes of leaving work, I was cheating. And in my young mind I thought it was because he loved me. He was just being protective. But it slowly got to the point where he controlled every aspect of my life.
Being told what I was supposed to do. How I was supposed to dress and talk. To whom I could be friends with. And then the physical abuse. He didn't like what I cooked for dinner? The meal would be thrown at me and being slapped and then I was told I had to make something else. The grabbing me by my hair and being thrown to the ground and punched in the face because he didn't like the answer I gave him to a question he asked. It was always followed up with “ I love you, I ‘m sorry, I would never hurt you. You just made me mad. “I am sorry I just lost my temper” I promise “ it will never happen again”.
Before I knew it I was living a life of complete fear, total control and complete isolation. I had no friends, I was cut off from my family. And here is the crazy part! I thought all of this meant he loved me! If you have never been in the shoes of someone who is dealing with domestic violence it all seems so crazy to you. How can you let someone have that kind of control over you? Well, I can tell you this. It happens slowly. Little by little and it seems normal to you. They draw you in, You trust them, you think that all of their actions prove how much they love you.
I was lucky enough to get out. But not before the damage had been done. This relationship was followed by 2 more each just as abusive.. Each in their own way. But still abuse. I was broken. I felt unworthy of love. I was damaged. goods. I was used and broken. Who would want me? I was useless, I was ugly, I was stupid. The mental abuse was the most damning. The physical abuse is obvious. You can physically see the signs of it. But the emotional abuse is probably the most painful.
Because there is no outward sign of it. It doesn't show up like the bruises. The wounds heal, the scars will fade. But the abuse that attacks your mind, your sense of self, those scars run deep. And they take the longest to heal. It took a long time before I felt comfortable in my own skin. That I felt I was worthy. But with the love of my husband I finally started to heal those scars. Knowing that I had a man who loved me for me, Who protected me and would never let anything or anyone hurt me. That was huge. I finally began to let go of those fears. I could go to the store and not be afraid of what would happen when I got home. To be able to have a friend. I hadn't had a friend for a very long time. I missed that connection. I missed having someone I could talk to. Someone I could confide in.
And now, almost 30 years later, I have a man who loves me and trusts me. I have a best friend that is always there for me. These things to any other person seems trivial. But to me, to someone who had never felt the love, trust and respect of a man, it was huge! Even now, after 20 yrs of marriage, I still struggle to let go of my fear. It still creeps in. I still have those moments of “Oh god he is going to be so angry, he is going to hurt me”. To then remembering how much he loves and supports me in everything I do. That he would never raise a hand to me. He barely raises his voice at me. That he would never hurt me, that he has loved me since he was 8 and I was 9 years old.
Learning that a relationship is a two way street. You can not be the one who always takes and never gives. That we grow and need to love ourselves before any other person can love us. I will say this, we need to educate our children. Inform them of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Because they learn from what they see, I want our children to be prepared. To learn how a man should treat the woman he loves. We have to be better role models. We need to break these cycles. But we also need to raise men that know that it is ok to express their feelings. This whole “Man up, and Men don’t cry” thing has to stop. We are only hurting them by continuing to raise men with these archaic way of thinking. If we want them to be better lovers, and husbands then they have to start by loving themselves.
