Domestic Violence

I recently had a dream that brought a flashback of something from my past. I thought I had dealt with the pain and trauma. I thought I was no longer in that place of fear, of not knowing whether anything I did or said would bring on an attack.  I was in a relationship that was full of abuse. Both physical and emotional. It started small. Being told he didn't like what I was wearing. If I wasn't home within 15 minutes of leaving work, I was cheating. And in my young mind I thought it was because he loved me. He was just being protective. But it slowly got to the point where he controlled every aspect of my life.

Being told what I was supposed to do. How I was supposed to dress and talk. To whom I could be friends with. And then the physical abuse. He didn't like what I cooked for dinner? The meal would be thrown at me and being slapped and then I was told I had to make something else. The grabbing me by my hair and being thrown to the ground and punched in the face because he didn't like the answer I gave him to a question he asked. It was always followed up with “ I love you, I ‘m sorry, I would never hurt you. You just made me mad.  “I am sorry I just lost my temper” I promise “  it will never happen again”.

Before I knew it I was living a life of complete fear, total control and complete isolation. I had no friends, I was cut off from my family. And here is the crazy part! I thought all of this meant he loved me! If you have never been in the shoes of someone who is dealing with domestic violence it all seems so crazy to you. How can you let someone have that kind of control over you? Well, I can tell you this. It happens slowly.  Little by little and it seems normal to you. They draw you in, You trust them, you think that all of their actions prove how much they love you.

I was lucky enough to get out. But not before the damage had been done. This relationship was followed by 2 more  each just as abusive.. Each in their own way. But still abuse. I was broken. I felt unworthy of love. I was damaged. goods. I was used and broken. Who would want me? I was useless, I was ugly,  I was stupid. The mental abuse was the most damning. The physical abuse is obvious. You can physically see the signs of it. But the emotional abuse is probably the most painful.

Because there is no outward sign of it. It doesn't show up like the bruises. The wounds heal, the scars will fade. But the abuse that attacks your mind, your sense of self, those scars run deep. And they take the longest to heal. It took a long time before I felt comfortable in my own skin. That I felt I was worthy.  But with the love of my husband I finally started to heal those scars. Knowing that I had a man who loved me for me, Who protected me and would never let anything or anyone hurt me. That was huge. I finally began to let go of those fears. I could go to the store and not be afraid of what would happen when I got home. To be able to have a friend. I hadn't had a friend for a very long time. I missed that connection. I missed having someone I could talk to. Someone I could confide in.

And now, almost 30 years later, I have a man who loves me and trusts me. I have a best friend that is always there for me. These things to any other person seems trivial. But to me, to someone who had never felt the love, trust and respect  of a man, it was huge! Even now, after 20 yrs of marriage, I still struggle to let go of my fear. It still creeps in. I still have those moments of “Oh god he is going to be so angry, he is going to hurt me”. To then remembering how much he loves and supports me in everything I do. That he would never raise a hand to me. He barely raises his voice at me. That he would never hurt me, that he has loved me since he was 8 and I was  9 years old. 

Learning that a relationship is a two way street. You can not be the one who always takes and never gives. That we grow and need to love ourselves before any other person can love us. I will say this, we need to educate our children. Inform them of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Because they learn from what they see, I want our children to be prepared. To learn how a man should treat the woman he loves. We have to be better role models. We need to break these cycles. But we also need to raise men that know that it is ok to express their feelings. This whole “Man up, and Men don’t cry” thing has to stop. We are only hurting them by continuing to raise men with these archaic way of thinking. If we want them to be better lovers, and husbands then they have to start by loving themselves.

I am She

May You Know

 

May tonight's dreams be tomorrows reality.

May you know enough pain to keep you humble.

May your days be filled with joy and laughter.

May you know a love so strong 

it marks your very soul.

May you know the value of a true friend. 

And never feel the sting of betrayal.

May you meet each day with a smile on your face,

and just enough mischief in your eye to 

eye to keep em guessing!

My Raven Queen

Morrigan, my Goddess hear my plea, 

 My Soul is in great need of thee.

Morrigan, Morrigan please watch over me,

 All my trust I place in thee.

Morrigan, My Raven Queen cast out these shadows that are plaguing me. 

May your warriors wrath turn away all disquieted 

spirits seeking to disrupt my way. 

Fell all entities that seek to attach to me.

My Raven Queen I  beg of thee, Protect me under your cloak of feathers

 and aid me to strengthen my own shield. 

Walk beside me always, 

lending me strength along the way.

I place my trust in the My Raven Queen, 

May you always watch over me.

Morrigan, Morrigan light my way. 

With undying love and faith

 I follow thee.

Darkness

The darkness comes thick and heavy as it covers me like a shroud.

Blocking out even the smallest ray of light. I hear the demons as they taunt, beckoning me to stay.

I struggle, struggle to keep this painful painted on smile. To not let others see how lost I am.

If they looked in my eyes would they see my pain?

Would they see how hard I am fighting to keep it all together.

How hard I am fighting to keep the demons at bay? My pain is real. My struggle is real. My darkness…

..it is deep and it is real.

Maureen Jensen 2020

Never Left

I have been watching you struggle since I left this physical world.. I have come to remind you that I have

never truly left you.. The Bond we have is far too close for me to ever truly leave you!. I am always

with you. I know when you close your eyes you see my face smiling back at you.. please let that be the memory

you hold on too. Remember the years of laughter and love. for they far outweigh the rest.

And when you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, know that is my embrace.

And when the cool breeze brushes upon your cheek , know that is a kiss from me to you.

I know that some days the pain and emptiness seem to be more than your 

heart can take. But rest assured my loves I am still here with you.. My physical body has left,

but my spirit is always with you. I sit with you while cry for me. I hear you when you talk to me.

I know you hear me when I answer you., And you see the signs I leave for you.. I will see you soon.

But know there is still work for you to do here. There are things I left unfinished..

On those nights when the ache just seems too much walk out and look up to the night

sky, the brightest star in the night sky is me looking back at you..

 For you see..........I am here, I never left you.

I loving Memory of my niece Sabrina Dawn Mitchell June 8th 1989 - Feb 26th, 2022

A Friend to some, Loved by many, missed by all, 💜

Twin Flames

         (This was written in 2009 for my Anam Cara -soul friend in gaelic- Dawn Mitchell)

     As I walk along a lonely path, enjoying the feel of the sun on my skin and the cool ocean breeze as it caresses my skin, leaving the slightest scent of salt water. I weave my way down the path as it leads me to the ocean shore. I stop and gaze upon the waves as they gently wash upon the shore. There is a sense fo calm that comes over me. There are things in this world that can not be seen, but felt with the your heart...felt in your very soul.  Standing here taking in Mother Natures beauty I smile because I know you see the same waters I see. Oh, they may be called by another name, but it is still the same. You stand on one shore and I stand here on the other. Thousands of miles of blue water separate us, and many lifetimes as well. And yet we have always managed to find our way back to each other.

I feel as if I have wandered most of my life lost in search of something, yet not knowing what it was. Feeling as if a very part of my soul was missing. Always searching a strangers eyes......for what? I did not know. Would I recognize it when I saw it? Some spark of recognition? That sense of "I know you". The feeling that someone actually understood me......really understood me, who I was at my very core. I have the love of my life in my husband. But that is what I felt I was missing. It was a family bond, a sister? a brother? The only thing I could use to try and explain it was what I thought a twin would feel if the other were gone. They spent most of their life separated not knowing of the other. And then to find each other and have that emptiness filled. To finally feel complete.

We are sisters you and I. And we have been for longer that either of us can comprehend. We have had many lifetimes together, we always manage to find our way back to one another. We are twin flames, two souls who always find their way back to each other. Our fate is forever intertwined.

My Abilities

Most of my life I have felt like the odd man out, like I didn't quite belong. I couldn't seem to relate to people the way others around me could.  Even as a child I felt I felt distant, unlike everyone else. I felt older that my physical years. I sensed and talked to spirits. I felt them round me, I even had a playmate as a child that no one other than I could see. But I think that growing up in a strict catholic home with a mother who was a Nun before she married my father. We didn't talk about spirits. I dont know if it was my mother or my father who either saw spirits or were able to sense them as I do.  It wasnt until a few years back talking to my brother that I learned that he saw spirits too. So once again my family is great at keeping secrets.

So now here I am in my 40's trying to understand this gift I have been given, what do I do with it? how do I use it?  How do I relearn all the things that as a child came natural? The seeing and speaking to spirits as a child is as natural as drawing breath. Yet as I grew older in a society that pushed those things aside, told us that they were evil if we chose to worship a male and a female entity. Once I learned about the God and The Goddess and Paganism I finally began to feel things fall into place. I have been reconnecting with the gifts I have been given. You see I am an Empath and a Clairsentience. To explain what that means. An Empath is in short a sponge, they soak up everyones emotions and feelings. You find yourself battling with all kinds of emotions that sometimes will hit you out of no where, And that is the hardest part is separating your feelings from the what others are feeling.  And being a Clairsentience is a very heightened form of being an Empath. Its the ability to feel the past, present and sometimes the future of a building, homes and public places. For as long as I can remember I would walk into certain places and just get this overwhelming sense of a presence other than the ones I could see. For most of my life I considered these to just be panic attacks. I don't like being somewhere with a large group of people.  I tend to shut down as it is very overwhelming for me.

With the help of some wonderful people I have met in person and those I have meet through an online support group, I am slowly learning how to deal with these things. I am getting better at shielding. Which in short  means putting up a physic and emotional wall around myself so that I am not as affect by others feeling and emotions. I still don't like being in certain social settings. But I am getting better. Everyday is a learning experience. But I continue to push ahead.  I take things one day at a time.

Mexico 2014

Hola My Friends!!

Well Dan and I finally got to take another international vacation! And let me tell you this was long overdue! With working 12-14 hour days 5 days a week for the last year and a half I really needed some time away. And Dan works so hard all the time he deserved this time away! And thanks to Dan's wonderful Aunt and Uncle, which by the way we happen to just Adore! Two of the most loving, giving and fun people I have ever met! We don't get to spend as much time with them as we would like. But we deeply cherish the times that we have together. They are always filled with laughter, and life lessons. 

They have a beautiful time share down in Ixtapa, Mexico. And they have been telling us for years that we should come down. Well, this year we finally just did it! Just cost us our airfare and spending money. And I can not tell you just how beautiful this place is! We spent most of our time on the beach enjoying cold beers and a beautiful view. The people were so kind and generous.  It was beautiful. 

When my Mom passed I swore that anytime we went somewhere that they had never been I would take some of their ashes with me and spread them. I did just that on this trip. I went out in the ocean as far as I felt comfortable and spread their ashes in the sea. I am sure that by now they have been all over, the ocean tide carrying them to different places that they never thought they would see. I hope to continue this tradition and take their ashes to many more place that money allows us to travel.

I have beautiful memories of our time in Mexico and the amazing people we shared it with. We are hoping to take another trip to Europe some time in the next couple of years.

We will just have to wait and see what the Gods have in store of us.

Dealing with your past

Does one ever really learn how to do such a thing? Your past can haunt you, break you. You can become so consumed with it that you forget to live in the present. The past is just that....the past. You can not alter or change it.  Everyone has something in their past that they are not proud of. But if there is anything I have learned it is that my past has made me who I am today. I am stronger because I was weak,  I found my spirit that was once shattered into a million pieces. I have slowly been putting all the pieces back together. I am making better decisions because of the poor choices I made in the past. I love deeper and stronger now than before. My life has been far from perfect. But it has made me who I am......Human, I have flaws but don't we all?  Saying I am sorry to those I love and were suppose to protect is a mute point. Whats done is done. There is no fixing it or changing it. No one has walked in my shoes, they haven't lived my life, they don't and wont understand the things I have gone thru, the mistakes I have made.  There are things that will haunt me forever. And when they rear their heads and try to flood my brain with all the memories of the things I have done, the things I cannot change, another piece of my soul cracks. And the darkness that follows consumes me. I find myself lost and alone in my own darkness struggling to find my light again. 

Sometimes I feel like I will never see the light again. And no one around me understands what it is like to be so completely consumed by darkness. Sometime its so deep and dark that I swear I could reach out and touch it. The most exhausting part is trying to keep smiling and pretending like you are ok. When all I really want to do is find a dark corner and curl up and try to disappear. My brain becomes so consumed with all the mistakes I have made in my life, the people I have hurt, the people I have failed. Reliving my past. It taunts me, reminding me of my errors, the things that have been done to me, the things I have done to others. Sometimes I cant seem to get my head out of the past. But on the upside of things I have learned to be more in tune with my spirit. And in the process I have learned that I have a gift ......well 2 actually. And they could be part of the reason I go thru these bouts of darkness. I am an Empath and I am a Clairsentience. 

Being an empath is when you are effected by other people's energies and emotions. To have the innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others emotions. Your life is unconsciously influence by others thoughts and moods. Empaths can perceive physical  sensitivities . You are either and empath or you are not. It is not something you can learn. You are always open, so to speak to have to process other emotions and feelings. Which means  that you really feel and in many cases take on the emotion of others. Essentially you are walking around in this world as a sponge, you feel the  emotions and energy from others.  But not only am I an empath I am also what is called a Clairsentient which loosely translated, means "clear-feeling. It is perhaps the most basic of all intuitive skills. Clairsentient is an extremely heightened form of empathy. It is the ability to feel and experience the energy  in an intuitive way. This energy stream includes other peoples feelings, inanimate objects, spiritual insights. Basically, you are aware of all types of energetic vibrations through your own body and emotions.  But also those of  others.

These things could be why I feel the way I do, Or why I find myself in complete emotional darkness at time and not knowing how or why it came about. I am still learning about my gifts and how to recognize that what I am feeling is not my own emotions but someone else's. Sometimes I will see something in my peripheral vision turn and look and there is nothing or no one there. Or the feeling of someone standing next to me when I am all alone.  But at this moment I am just trying to focus on pulling myself out of the darkness I am in. It feels like I am trying to swim against a strong tide. And every now and then I get sucked under and have to struggle thru this abyss and break the surface so I can breathe before my lungs explode. 

But if there is one thing I have learned about myself  it is that I am a fighter, I am a warrior. I have made it thru things that would have broken others. I will keep fighting until I find my light again. The one thing I have in my life that is constant and true, is the love of my husband, He is my rock, my everything. The one person who has loved me all this time, despite my faults, He loves me for me. And I would be so lost without him.

Learning to understand and deal with my gifts has been a stuggle but I am taking it one day at a time. I am on a spiritual journey so to speak, Learning and understanding my gifts. And continuing on this journey we call life.
  

  

San Francisco Weekend

This past weekend was just a San Francisco kind of weekend. Being my first weekend off in a while I had asked Dan what he wanted to do. He came to me a few minutes later with the response of "Go throw some clothes in a bag we are gonna go to San Francisco".  I love how spontaneous my husband can be. So we threw some clothes in a bag and took off for the weekend. We made reservations at a hotel I have been wanting to stay at called the Queen Anne Hotel. The Queen Anne has been reported to be haunted. And those of you who  know me know I couldn't pass up the chance to stay at a haunted hotel! Our room was really quite beautiful. It was like stepping back into the 1800's. We had a large king size canopy bed, a small fire place. It was all very quaint.

Although I don't think the hotel is haunted, it is a very interesting and beautiful place. The one thing we didn't know about our weekend away was that it was a Chinese New Year. So every Restaurant was packed. We found a great Steak house and were lucky enough to get a spot at the bar. We decided to break out of or normal routine of ordering beer. And went with a Martini. I had a Apple Martini and Dan and a Raspberry and Rosemary Martini both were delish!!!

The next day we decided to hit Haight Ashberry and do a little sight seeing.  Everything down there is so eclectic. It is very interesting place to be. Lots of different people from all walks of life.

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We even went back to visit my favorite place, Fort Point. Now this place I KNOW is haunted. I knew this the first time we visited there. There is something about the Powder room. There is a heaviness in that room that I cant quite explain. I just know that there is spiritual activity in that room I just haven't been able to tap into it yet. But I am hoping to explore it more on future visits. There is a deep sadness there.

 

But on another note we also managed to cross a few more things off our San Francisco Bucket list. We have finally ridden the cable cars and visited China town. Both were quite an adventure. The only thing we have left is to visit Alcatraz. But that is something we have to plan. As it is usually booked in advance.  So the next trip will have to be a planned trip.  All in all it was a great weekend.