Dealing with your past

Does one ever really learn how to do such a thing? Your past can haunt you, break you. You can become so consumed with it that you forget to live in the present. The past is just that....the past. You can not alter or change it.  Everyone has something in their past that they are not proud of. But if there is anything I have learned it is that my past has made me who I am today. I am stronger because I was weak,  I found my spirit that was once shattered into a million pieces. I have slowly been putting all the pieces back together. I am making better decisions because of the poor choices I made in the past. I love deeper and stronger now than before. My life has been far from perfect. But it has made me who I am......Human, I have flaws but don't we all?  Saying I am sorry to those I love and were suppose to protect is a mute point. Whats done is done. There is no fixing it or changing it. No one has walked in my shoes, they haven't lived my life, they don't and wont understand the things I have gone thru, the mistakes I have made.  There are things that will haunt me forever. And when they rear their heads and try to flood my brain with all the memories of the things I have done, the things I cannot change, another piece of my soul cracks. And the darkness that follows consumes me. I find myself lost and alone in my own darkness struggling to find my light again. 

Sometimes I feel like I will never see the light again. And no one around me understands what it is like to be so completely consumed by darkness. Sometime its so deep and dark that I swear I could reach out and touch it. The most exhausting part is trying to keep smiling and pretending like you are ok. When all I really want to do is find a dark corner and curl up and try to disappear. My brain becomes so consumed with all the mistakes I have made in my life, the people I have hurt, the people I have failed. Reliving my past. It taunts me, reminding me of my errors, the things that have been done to me, the things I have done to others. Sometimes I cant seem to get my head out of the past. But on the upside of things I have learned to be more in tune with my spirit. And in the process I have learned that I have a gift ......well 2 actually. And they could be part of the reason I go thru these bouts of darkness. I am an Empath and I am a Clairsentience. 

Being an empath is when you are effected by other people's energies and emotions. To have the innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others emotions. Your life is unconsciously influence by others thoughts and moods. Empaths can perceive physical  sensitivities . You are either and empath or you are not. It is not something you can learn. You are always open, so to speak to have to process other emotions and feelings. Which means  that you really feel and in many cases take on the emotion of others. Essentially you are walking around in this world as a sponge, you feel the  emotions and energy from others.  But not only am I an empath I am also what is called a Clairsentient which loosely translated, means "clear-feeling. It is perhaps the most basic of all intuitive skills. Clairsentient is an extremely heightened form of empathy. It is the ability to feel and experience the energy  in an intuitive way. This energy stream includes other peoples feelings, inanimate objects, spiritual insights. Basically, you are aware of all types of energetic vibrations through your own body and emotions.  But also those of  others.

These things could be why I feel the way I do, Or why I find myself in complete emotional darkness at time and not knowing how or why it came about. I am still learning about my gifts and how to recognize that what I am feeling is not my own emotions but someone else's. Sometimes I will see something in my peripheral vision turn and look and there is nothing or no one there. Or the feeling of someone standing next to me when I am all alone.  But at this moment I am just trying to focus on pulling myself out of the darkness I am in. It feels like I am trying to swim against a strong tide. And every now and then I get sucked under and have to struggle thru this abyss and break the surface so I can breathe before my lungs explode. 

But if there is one thing I have learned about myself  it is that I am a fighter, I am a warrior. I have made it thru things that would have broken others. I will keep fighting until I find my light again. The one thing I have in my life that is constant and true, is the love of my husband, He is my rock, my everything. The one person who has loved me all this time, despite my faults, He loves me for me. And I would be so lost without him.

Learning to understand and deal with my gifts has been a stuggle but I am taking it one day at a time. I am on a spiritual journey so to speak, Learning and understanding my gifts. And continuing on this journey we call life.
  

  

San Francisco Weekend

This past weekend was just a San Francisco kind of weekend. Being my first weekend off in a while I had asked Dan what he wanted to do. He came to me a few minutes later with the response of "Go throw some clothes in a bag we are gonna go to San Francisco".  I love how spontaneous my husband can be. So we threw some clothes in a bag and took off for the weekend. We made reservations at a hotel I have been wanting to stay at called the Queen Anne Hotel. The Queen Anne has been reported to be haunted. And those of you who  know me know I couldn't pass up the chance to stay at a haunted hotel! Our room was really quite beautiful. It was like stepping back into the 1800's. We had a large king size canopy bed, a small fire place. It was all very quaint.

Although I don't think the hotel is haunted, it is a very interesting and beautiful place. The one thing we didn't know about our weekend away was that it was a Chinese New Year. So every Restaurant was packed. We found a great Steak house and were lucky enough to get a spot at the bar. We decided to break out of or normal routine of ordering beer. And went with a Martini. I had a Apple Martini and Dan and a Raspberry and Rosemary Martini both were delish!!!

The next day we decided to hit Haight Ashberry and do a little sight seeing.  Everything down there is so eclectic. It is very interesting place to be. Lots of different people from all walks of life.

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We even went back to visit my favorite place, Fort Point. Now this place I KNOW is haunted. I knew this the first time we visited there. There is something about the Powder room. There is a heaviness in that room that I cant quite explain. I just know that there is spiritual activity in that room I just haven't been able to tap into it yet. But I am hoping to explore it more on future visits. There is a deep sadness there.

 

But on another note we also managed to cross a few more things off our San Francisco Bucket list. We have finally ridden the cable cars and visited China town. Both were quite an adventure. The only thing we have left is to visit Alcatraz. But that is something we have to plan. As it is usually booked in advance.  So the next trip will have to be a planned trip.  All in all it was a great weekend.

 

For Amanda

Well Hello All!

Ok as I was reminded by my lovely Best Friend and Sister In Law, it has been a long time since I have written anything on here. And that there are some of you who don't have Facebook so there are lots of photos  you haven't seen.  So I am here to add some pictures and just give you a little Hello!

So here are a few pictures from our trip just for you Amanda :-) I will do my best to give you a little info on each of the pics I post.

 So lets get this started!

This first photo is of the Adam and Eve Pub in  Norwich. It was built in approx 1100 AD. It had been a working Pub since the time of the vikings. It was a really amazing place. Despite the fact I had to duck to walk in the door! Those vikings were SHORT!

This is the Adam and Eve Pub

 Now this is a photo taken from Ireland. This is the window in Biddy Early's Homestead. If you have read previous posts you know that Biddy is the famous witch of Ireland. People travel from all over the world to visit what remains of her home, and to pay respects to her. It is said that when you go you must leave an offering for Biddy or you will have bad luck. This is the window where people have left their offerings to her. Dan and I left her a small bottle of Mead and a gold coin.

 Now this next photo is of Danny's tattoo that he got while we were in Norwich. The writing on the shield says "Then, Now and Always" and it matches a tattoo that i have on my arm.

 And now on to the next, This is a photo of Darryl and I. Darryl is Dawns husband. And I can not EVEN begin to tell you how alike Danny and Darryl are!!!! Two peas in a pod I tell you!!!

  Now this is just a beautiful English garden we passed while visiting Castle Rising  near Norwich.

 And this is Hore Abbey in Ireland. It is just down the road from The Rock of Cashel. Truly a beautiful place!

 And with all the churches we visited and Dawn and I being Wiccan, we just couldn't refuse to have a bit of fun!

 This is one of the outside halls of Norwich Cathedral. Built approx 1150!

 

 This is the Celtic Sister Symbol that Dawn and I both got.

 And back to Ireland. This was taken at Sligo Abbey. This was a really cool place and you could tell that there were spirits there. Certain places just had a heavy oppressive feel.

 And here is a great pic of (L-R) Darryl, Dawn and their daughter Sabrina at Castle Rising

 And of course Dawn and I.

The above photo is of  Darryl, Dawn and their Daughter Sabrina

Now this next photo gave me chills when I first saw it. I cant remember exactly where it was taken  but it was in Norwich.  Can you see what is next to me?

 

 

the above shot is a close up of the previous pic. Now mind you it was not raining even tho my hood is up. The wind had just come up and blew my hood up. But you notice there is a bright green orb next to me. Dawn and I both feel this was Mom. There was another photo taken while we were visiting Norwich Castle in which there is another orb next to me. Pretty amazing right?

Ok well that is all I have for now. I will work on adding some more pics and filling you in on some of the details. Now mind you that I took over 3000 photos! so just bare with me!


I just returned home today from my weekend with the girls camping at what we call Estrogen Camp. It was a great weekend!!! Will work on posting pics of that too!


Ok all, hope you have enjoyed some of these pics!

Bright Blessings!

The Hill Family Holiday Gathering

Its always so great when I get to be in the presence of some of the people I love more then anything else in this world. And this was one of those days!  My Aunt Joyce, whom I have called Aunt Cookie since I was knee high to a grasshopper! She came up from LA. My cousin Carlos who is more a brother to me then a cousin came with his partner from Colorado. My son was there as well as my Brothers  boys so it was going to be a grand day!!!

We arrived to a table full of food  thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law Wendy. She always goes out of her way to make every gathering wonderful.  It was just great to be in the same room with everyone. And me being me, had camera in hand pretty much the entire time. hahaha I cant help it! They are memories and I want to cherish them all! I have learned over the last 10 yrs. that life is short and you  need to soak up and enjoy every minute your with your family! So that is why I am always with camera. I think I got some good ones that day. Sadly the day ended too soon as I had to head off to work. Well my friends that is where my holiday fun ended. I ended up getting into an auto accident on the freeway while heading to work that night. It was just a fender bender. Could have been much worse. I am working thru some health issues due to the accident. But I am thankful that I got to spend the time I did with both of my families. That accident was maybe a smack in the head from my mother or father or guardian sprit saying “Wake up!  Appreciate the beauty around you and how lucky you are to have a loving husband and son, Family who will always be there for you. Even though you only see them once a year, if you needed them they would be there. It was a lesson I plan on heeding. Cuz you know I don’t need  those types of slaps to the head very often!! hahahahah
I look forward to seeing them all again soon. And plan to do a better job of keeping in contact.

Blessings to all!!!

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Life after the Holidays.

Well, life right up to Christmas was, well uneventful. We got to spend some time with Dan’s sisters before I had to head off to work Christmas Day. As always it was wonderful to  see them. The times together are too short and the time between always too  long. We and a nice lunch,, got to check out John’s winery! Wow he has some great stuff down there! Such a joyful day. Even managed to get us all together for a photo or two. Hard to believe how big the kids have gotten.

Just a few of the pics from the winery! Its just basically a lil Mom and Pop thing, but boy do they may good wine!!!
After our wine tasting session we stepped out to the beautiful surroundings and took a few family photos.
 
See, I told you the surroundings were beautiful! I would love to go back when everything is in full bloom! Oh the photos I cold get! Anyway, Now to the family photos.


So at the top we have all the Jensen kids (minus Amanda). Then you have Dan and his sisters Heather and Crystal. Then me with my fabulous sisters-in-law! Then Grandma Laural with her beautiful granddaughters Carina and Caitlyn. Then just a few more shots of the beautiful surroundings. We had a lovely day with them and hope it wont be so long before we all can be together again!!! 

Stay tuned for the Hill family get together!!!!!! That is my next post!